


Camelot's Top Bottom

by tehfanglyfish



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Needs To Know Whose Bum Is Best, But You Can Likely Guess Which Little Bottom Is Top, Butts, Canon Era, Deviates From Canon, Fluff and Humor, I Won't Give Away Whose Is Best, M/M, Since It's Not His, The Author Regrets Nothing, The author is tired, Top Quality That Is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehfanglyfish/pseuds/tehfanglyfish
Summary: After overhearing maidservants' gossip, Arthur learns that there is a top-ranked butt in Camelot, but it's not his. What else can the king do with this information, but set out to discover which bum is best?
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 73
Kudos: 706





	Camelot's Top Bottom

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written by an overworked author who has no regrets. No monies are made. I don't own Merlin. Otherwise I wouldn't be overworked and too tired and writing fics like this :D

“Wait. Have you seen it? It’s excellent. Matilda says it’s taken on a little extra padding over the past year, but I think that’s an improvement. There is such a thing a too much toning.”

“No, you’re right. It’s good, very good even. I’m just saying that I’ve seen better.”

“Well, yes, we’ve all seen better… but not attached to a king.”

Arthur froze. He wasn’t one to listen in on private conversations, but the door to the castle laundry was open and the maidservants’ voices spilled out into the hall. Normally he would have kept walking – he knew gossip was part of castle life - but his curiosity kept him rooted in place. Whatever it was they were discussing, it involved him.

“True. And Arthur’s is nice enough. But let’s face it, there really is only one perfect butt in Camelot and Matilda called it. That woman knows her bums.”

The maids were discussing his butt?! Arthur’s cheeks, the ones on his face, burned. Nice enough? Extra padding? He was tempted to tell them off. There were only so many hours in the day, and Arthur had far less time for training since he took the throne.

But if he cut into their conversation, he would never find out who had the best butt. Until this moment, Arthur had gone his entire life without considering that there might be a ranking system for the backsides of Camelot. But apparently there was a best butt and it wasn’t his. Matilda had said so. And apparently Matilda was wise about such things. So who did it belong to? Arthur didn’t simply want to know; he _needed _to know.

“Oh yes! His is the best. I could look at it all day.”

“You’re not the only one. According to George, there are always eyes at court ogling that bottom.”

George was in on this too? Just how many members of the serving staff were on this unofficial judging team?

“Can you blame them? It’s not as though they’ll ever get to do more than look. That ass is as good as tattooed ’property of…’”

“Is there something you need, sire?”

Arthur couldn’t say if he was more startled or annoyed at the voice that cut over the maids’ gossip.

“Ah, George, um… have you seen Merlin?”

“I think he’s with Gaius, sire. You should probably go now if you want to find him before he gets sent out to pick herbs.”

George had a reputation for deference and adhering to protocol, so it was a bit of a surprise that the look he leveled at Arthur clearly said it was time to move along. Well, Arthur was the king of Camelot. He didn’t have to heed the directives of servants.

“Thank you, George. I’d better go catch him before he sneaks off to the tavern.”

As Arthur resumed his journey down the corridor, he heard George’s voice carry down the hall.

“What were you thinking, talking like that with the door open? The king almost overheard you and I had to chase him off… If he learns that his bum isn’t the best, who knows what it might do to royal morale. You’ve really got to be more careful. Think of the safety of the realm. But since we’re on the subject, let me tell you what I saw today. That bum really is a thing of beauty, though I can’t believe it belongs to someone so…”

So what?!?!

Arthur needed more details but whatever else George had to say about Camelot’s top bottom was lost, the heavy wooden door to the laundry closing with a slam.

*****

Making his way in search of Merlin, Arthur grappled with what he’d learned. First, his own butt was “pretty nice,” but not the best Camelot had to offer. There was someone out there with a better one, one that was, according to George, “a thing of beauty,” and Arthur had no idea who it belonged to.

He really shouldn’t let this bother him. Beauty was, as they say, in the eye of the beholder. Maybe the serving classes had differing criteria for judging butts. And even what they said was true, Arthur definitely had a lot going for him beyond his derrière.

After all, he had proven himself as a capable warrior time and again in tourneys and on the battlefield. He ruled over a kingdom experiencing unprecedented peace and prosperity. And though he might be at the top of Camelot’s hierarchy, he still had a group of people close to him, offering support, and friendship, and even the occasional (metaphorical) kick to his royal backside when it was warranted.

Yes, Arthur had fared well in life, and so he really wasn’t bothered by the fact that his kingly posterior failed to earn top marks. Someone else had a better butt and that was ok. Arthur was happy for whoever had it. Really, he was.

But, the more that he thought about it, he couldn’t help but be struck by how unfair this whole situation was. The servants were judging him in secret without telling him the rules of the game. At least the knights’ code was written out. Arthur didn’t know what criteria to aim for in this battle of the bums.

Probably the best thing to do was to figure out who had the best butt. Not because Arthur was jealous. That would be ridiculous. Instead, he needed to know who to congratulate. After all, a king should honor his subjects who attained great achievements.

So who could it be? Arthur pondered the clues given by the maidservants. They had used male pronouns, which was a relief. Otherwise it might have been Morgana and Arthur didn’t want to think of how smug she would be if he had to admit that her butt was better than his own. Or of what castle gossip might say if he was caught staring at his sister’s bum, even if it was only for evaluation purposes. Good thing she was off engaged in diplomacy with the Druids.

That also meant it couldn’t be Guinevere, which was another cause for relief. It would be highly inappropriate for Arthur to suddenly show an interest in her backside after she’d rejected his romantic advances. She might think he was again trying to court her or discourage her own pursuit of… Arthur wasn’t entirely sure. He had a suspicion it was one of the knights, as she’d been spending more time around the armory and training ground lately. But was it Lancelot or Leon or Gwaine? No, not Gwaine. Arthur was sure of that. What about Percival? He was…

Arthur needed to focus. He already had one mystery to solve. Guinevere’s new suitor would likely be revealed in time and right now he needed to keep his mind on butts.

Ok, so half of Camelot was eliminated by gender. How to narrow down the men of the realm? It wasn’t George – their chatter had made that clear – but it was someone regularly at court. That left Arthur with about twenty contenders to consider.

Maybe it was…

“Good afternoon, sire,” Gaius said as he approached Arthur in the stairwell. “Shall I walk with you to the council meeting?”

“I was looking for Merlin.”

“He is… um… I sent him out after herbs. I didn’t realize you’d need him, sire.”

“He’s at the tavern, isn’t he? Never mind, then. It’s nothing that can’t wait. Let’s head on to the meeting. You lead the way.”

The physician gave Arthur a suspicious look – custom dictated that the king should walk in front – but he proceeded onward.

Arthur used the opportunity to engage in reconnaissance. Could it be Gaius? Arthur hadn’t considered him a contender because of his age, but it was true that the physician made regular rounds to treat his patients. Countless trips up and down the stairs could lead to muscle tone, he supposed.

Cautiously, Arthur tried to observe as Gaius walked ahead of him. The old man’s robes obscured much of the outline of his behind, and he kept glancing at the king from of the corner of his eye. Even with these complications, Arthur felt he had enough information to conclude that it wasn’t Gaius’s bum he was searching for.

“Is everything alright, sire?”

“Of course, Gaius.”

“You seem preoccupied with my robes.”

“I was simply… admiring the fabric.”

The raised eyebrow offered in response confirmed Arthur’s fears that his excuse wouldn’t be believed. Thankfully, Gaius didn’t press the matter. Right as they were about to enter the council chambers, the man turned to face him.

“You know, sire, I’ve lived in the castle more than half of my life. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that idle gossip should be ignored.”

A slight upturn of his lip suggested Gaius was holding back a smile, but he said nothing else, instead taking his place at the table.

If the rest of the council thought that the meeting went strangely, they said nothing. He was pretty sure Gaius was shaking with silent laughter by the end, not that Arthur could blame him. There were only so many times that the king could “accidentally” drop his parchments, quill, or tankard, and then request an advisor pick it up for him.

It didn’t help that Geoffrey put a flourish into his efforts, rolling his hips as he bent to retrieve the king’s agenda from the floor. The only time Arthur could recall seeing a similar display was at the Rising Sun’s monthly Evening of Introductions and Socializing for Single Ladies and Gentlemen.

(Why Arthur had allowed Gwaine to drag him to such an event, he still wasn’t sure. Gwaine had promised it would take his mind off of Guinevere’s disinterest in him. It had been educational, exposing the king to social customs of his realm not regularly practiced within the confines of the citadel.)

Let Gaius laugh, Arthur didn’t care. He’d learned all he needed to know, namely that none of the councilors in attendance held the title of best bum.

*****

Merlin hadn’t returned when Arthur retired to his chambers that night, Gwen instead showing up with the king’s dinner.

“You’re not Merlin,” Arthur had said when she entered the room. Her exasperated sigh meant he’d failed at keeping the annoyance out his voice.

“No, and you’re not Uther, so stop being rude.”

“I’m sorry, Guinevere. I didn’t mean to be abrupt. I have a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

She smiled in response to his apology and sat the food on the table.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

He was about to dismiss her, when he had idea.

“Actually, yes. Here, take a plate for yourself and sit. The kitchens always send up enough for two so Merlin can share.”

They tucked into the food, conversation limited by the need to chew.

“So what’s got you agitated?” Gwen asked when the meal was finally finished.

“It’s… a delicate matter. You know that a couple of years ago, I expressed an interest in you. One that you didn’t reciprocate. And that’s ok… I’m not upset. But I need to know… did you find me, or rather parts of me, lacking? Physically, I mean.”

“Arthur, you know it wasn’t like that. Friendship is just as important as romantic love, and I consider you to be one of my best friends. You’re easy on the eyes, and if a relationship was built on looks alone, then maybe we would have worked out but…”

“Yes, butt. Was my butt the problem?”

She gave him an incredulous look, then started laughing.

“Surely Matilda didn’t say anything to your face. The woman is brazen but to actually tell you…”

“She didn’t tell me anything. There have simply been… rumors… and…”

“Arthur, your butt is fine and it was never the issue. We simply fit better _that _way with other people.”

“So it’s fine… but not the best.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your butt.”

“Except there’s someone out there who has a better one. I need to know who it is. And how mine is deficient.”

“Arthur, don’t let it worry you. It’s…”

“Do you know? Who is it?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to say. It might lead to awkwardness and…”

“It’s one of the knights, isn’t it? The one you’re interested in. You think I’ll be jealous.”

“That’s really not it but I’m not going to…”

“Fine, you refuse to reveal his identity to your king,” he said, rising from his chair and turning so that his back was to her. “But, Guinevere, please, tell me honestly. What’s wrong with mine?”

He leaned forward a little so that the fabric from his breeches would cling to its contours.

“You are impossible,” she said, her tone light, “and I love you like the dear friend that you are, but I am not doing this. If you want to talk about something else, I’ll sit with you until dawn, but I am not going to spend my night offering an assessment of your ass.”

“Guinevere…”

“It was harmless gossip, Arthur. Something to keep the maids entertained while working.”

“I wish Merlin was here. He’d be willing to critique my butt.”

“I bet he’d do more than critique.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. He helps you get dressed, that’s all.”

It sounded like a lie, but Arthur decided not to push it. Guinevere was maddening but she was his closest friend after Merlin.

“If you won’t help me, I’ll just have to keep looking.”

She laughed.

“I hope you do. From what I heard about today’s council meeting, Geoffrey has flexible hips.”

“Shut up,” he said, but laughed with her.

When she left an hour later, Arthur’s spirits were lifted, even if he was no closer to solving the mystery of the kingdom’s best butt.

*****

Eliminating women and councilors from the running left Arthur with a narrower pool of possible candidates, but one that was still difficult to judge. Most of the other regulars at court were his knights. Maintaining combat-readiness meant that their bums were likely all well-toned, so he would need to carefully scrutinize each of them. Training provided him the perfect opportunity, which he fully planned to take advantage of the next morning.

The day began with George, which was not how Arthur wanted to start things.

“You’re not Merlin,” he said as he sat up in bed. He’d known Gaius was lying about the herb gathering. Why not just tell him Merlin had gone out on a bender? It’s not like he ever punished Merlin for it.

“How very observant, sire. Your breakfast is laid out. Would you like assistance dressing?”

Arthur preferred for Merlin to help him into his clothes and considered dressing alone, but he was so distracted by his plans for the day that he decided to allow George the honor, something he regretted as he stepped into his breeches. Arthur could feel George’s eyes on his bum.

“Hmph,” was all George said, as he adjusted the fabric.

Eager to be free from George’s silent evaluation, Arthur ate quickly, then made his way to the training ground. He had work to do.

*****

“Aren’t you going to join us?”

It usually took an injury for Arthur to skip training, so the surprise in Leon’s voice was understandable.

“Maybe later on. Right now I need to watch everyone’s technique. Here’s the list of maneuvers I want everyone to practice.”

Leon scanned the parchment Arthur handed him.

“You do know that none of these exercises involve combat training? They’re mostly variations of squats, lunges, and back kicks.”

“It can’t always be waving swords about, Leon. A knight must keep his muscles strong.”

“Very well, sire. I’ll leave you here to observe.”

“Good. And, Leon, have the men turn their backs to me as they train.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, does this have anything to do with what Matilda said about…”

“It has to do with military preparedness. Nothing else. Now get the men started.”

As Arthur watched from the side of the training ground, he had to admit that his knights were better candidates than his councilors. There were far more muscles to take in today, pleasantly toned, with good definition. Adequate roundness, solid form… it was impossible to tell who was best.

He needed to get closer.

“Very nice, Elyan, but lean your hips back slightly. There you go.”

“Excellent form, Percival. Squeeze a little tighter as you squat down this time.”

Arthur tried to comment each knight’s technique so as not to arouse suspicions.

“Hey princess, what about my bum? Does it meet your standards?”

Geoffrey would be awed by the roll Gwaine gave his hips and the rest of the knights let out cheers and whistles.

Apparently all siblings were maddening, whether they were born into one’s family or found later in life. Arthur considered Gwaine as close a brother, but the man could rival Morgana in knowing how to annoy the hell out of Arthur.

“You’ve made good progress, Gwaine, but I think you need at least another hour of lunges to really live up to what’s expected of a knight.”

Gwaine made a rude gesture but there was no malice behind it.

“Leon, I’ll leave you to the training. I have some business to attend to.”

*****

Back in his chambers and free of distractions, Arthur considered what he’d learned. The knights of Camelot all possessed excellent bums. It was difficult to say whose was the best. In no part of his princely training had Arthur received instruction in how to judge butts. Based on his limited knowledge, he would have to rank the knights equally. Perhaps he should consult with Matilda on how to more precisely score them.

The whole affair was growing tedious.

Though Arthur was proud of what his knights had accomplished with regard to building their backsides, he was still no closer knowing who it was who had the best bum of them all. His own butt didn’t measure up, which was disheartening. He wondered how it compared to the knights. If his was at least on par with theirs, that would be acceptable.

So, how to appraise his own ass? If Merlin was there, he could simply ask him to take a look. He knew better than to ask Guinevere again and he was pretty sure that the knights would never let him live it down if they found out what he was doing. Gaius was completely out of the question.

It stood to reason that if he wanted something done right, he’d have to do it himself. After strategically positioning his mirror, he stripped down to small clothes.

Though his window was closed, he could hear sounds from out in the courtyard. Someone was causing a commotion – probably a disturbance from the Rising Sun spilling out into the streets. Leon could deal with it; Arthur was busy.

Bending, squatting, and flexing in front of the glass, he tried his best to keep watch in the mirror.

Not bad, he decided. Definitely equal to the knights. So who had the best…

“Sorry I was gone. Gaius sent me off for herbs and… What are you doing?”

“I’m…”

Arthur forgot about the lie he was supposed to be concocting, as something far more important than his butt captured his attention. A disheveled Merlin stood in the middle of the room, with dark circles under his eyes, small scratches on his face, and several tears in his clothing.

“Are you alright?”

Arthur hurried over, reaching out to pluck a few random leaves from Merlin’s hair.

“You weren’t at the tavern, were you?”

“No.”

“And you weren’t picking herbs, either?”

“I… no.”

“So where were you? What happened? And why are you walking funny?”

“It was a long ride back. I might have cut through some trees to save time.”

“That might explain your scrapes and limp, but not where you got off to.”

“It’s not important.”

“Merlin, I am the king of Camelot and I say that it is. Now tell me.”

“Mercia.”

“Mercia! That’s a week’s ride on a fast horse. You didn’t have time to…”

“I, um, I might not have ridden a horse.”

What was Merlin on about?

“If not a horse, then what did you…”

The commotion from the courtyard cut him off, the shrieks now too loud to be drunken bickering. Arthur hurried to his window, glancing between the curtains to see a large dragon standing in the center of the square, Morgana beside it. Despite the panic of the people below, the beast didn’t appear to be attacking anyone.

“You rode a dragon.”

“We got word from the Druids that Morgana had been kidnapped and she needed help. The fastest way was to…”

“And you didn’t tell me? Because maybe I would have wanted to help rescue my own sister.”

“I wanted to but…”

Despite the obvious discomfort it caused him to walk, Merlin began wandering about the room, occasionally pausing to pick up the clothes Arthur had strewn about on the floor. That was a bad sign. The only time Merlin voluntarily cleaned was when his nerves were on edge.

“But what?”

“There was magic involved and…”

“Merlin, you know I know Morgana has magic. That’s why I’m gradually lifting the ban. You were there with me when I made the proclamation. Hell, you helped write it – it’s good policy, by the way.”

“Yes, but… she’s not the only one and… I was going to tell you. There just hasn’t been time and I was scared you’d be mad and…”

“Wait. Do that again.”

“What? Confess to having hidden my magic from you for over a decade now? Because it’s not really all that pleasant and why aren’t you yelling?”

“It doesn’t matter. I need you to…”

“It doesn’t matter?! It’s my deepest secret, one that should by all rights have you throwing me in the dungeons, or at least out of your chambers and you don’t even care that…”

“Can you shut up about the magic and pick up that sock?”

“Are you feeling alright? Because Gaius can…”

“Bend over and pick up the sock!”

Arthur rarely used that tone away from the battlefield but right now he couldn’t tolerate Merlin’s insolence. He needed to know if…

And there it was – what Arthur had been searching for all this time.

“Oh Merlin, George was right. It really is a thing of beauty.”

“What are you on about?”

“Your little bottom. It’s absolute perfection.”

“You like my butt?”

“How could I not? It’s beautiful.”

The look Merlin was giving him worried Arthur. Had he embarrassed Merlin? Did Merlin feel objectified, as if Arthur viewed him as nothing more than a nice bum to ogle?

“Which isn’t to say that it’s the only part of you that’s beautiful. A lovely butt matters little without a kind heart to go with it. And while I may be new to the intricacies of bum rankings, I’ve always found your heart to be a thing of beauty.”

The prolonged silence was doing nothing to ease Arthur’s fears. Maybe he really should have consulted with Matilda before making this pronouncement.

“Well…” Merlin finally began, “I’ve always been partial to yours as well. Your bum and your heart. I think you have the finest in all of Camelot.”

“Not in comparison to yours. And it’s not just me who says so. Ask Matilda.”

“Matilda knows nothing about hearts and is a fool when it comes to bottoms.”

“Yes, but the padding…”

“Is just the right amount. Don’t listen to Matilda. She hasn’t been helping you bathe and dress for the past decade. She’s only seen your bum in passing. I have an intimate familiarity with it.”

Arthur wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Merlin’s face turn quite that shade of red.

“Which is how it should be,” Arthur said, trying to cut through Merlin’s embarrassment. “Though I fear I have far less familiarity with yours. That’s something I’d like to remedy. If you’re amenable.”

“Oh, I am. But maybe…”

“Maybe for the time being you should park your bottom in my bed and try to rest. You’re sore and tired and I suppose I really should go see Morgana. I’ll have George prepare a bath. You can soak and relax. We’ll have dinner. And then, you can curl up with me tonight and tell me all about this magic of yours that I’ve somehow missed over the years.”

“I’d like that,” Merlin said softly.

“Then get comfortable. I’ll be back as soon as I can. And maybe you can explain to me how the servants judge butts. I don’t feel so bad now that I know yours is the best, but I still need to know how mine is lacking.”

“You’re an absolute dollophead, but I love you anyway.”

“You…”

“Yes. For years.”

“Oh. I always thought it was Gwaine. If I’d known… I…”

If Arthur had thought ranking bums was challenging, that was nothing compared to trying to find the words for feelings he’d kept buried for ages.

“I know. Now put on some trousers and go see Morgana. The sooner you leave, the sooner you’ll be back. And then I can sing the praises of your bum.”

*****

Caught up in his thoughts as he rushed down the stairs, Arthur failed to notice the figure in front of him until it was too late.

“Hey! Watch it.”

“I apologize my lady, I should have been paying attention to… Matilda?”

“My lord. I am so sorry, I…”

“I’ve been wanting to have a word with you. I know what you’ve been saying and I just want to say…”

“It was entirely inappropriate, sire, and I promise that…”

“Thank you. Without your help, I might never have realized the truth. And your judgment is above reproach. It really is the finest in the realm.”

He gave her a slight bow, and smiling at her stunned expression, hurried on to find his sister.


End file.
